Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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