I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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