I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
