the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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