So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
