I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
