Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
