fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
