My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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