I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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