Too much gin, very little bucket
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
