Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
