I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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