Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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