forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
