dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
