Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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