Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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