I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
