I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
