a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
