that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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