my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
