It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
