Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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