You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
