so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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