I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize