I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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