My hair reeks of homosexuality.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
