I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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