I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
