Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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