just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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