I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
