theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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