She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
