Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
