Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize