Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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