I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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