I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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