does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
