if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
lets start a swedish sibling band together
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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