is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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