Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
