Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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