Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize