I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
