I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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