I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
