Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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