I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
