I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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