I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize