and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You are a genius and a whore.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize