The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
