i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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