she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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