Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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