i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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