I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
