i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
