shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
