I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
