My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize