Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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