he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
