as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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