know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
