I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Randomize
